A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was informed, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," replied the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class."
THREE BAD MICE
Three mice are sitting and drinking in a mouse bar.
The first mouse knocked back his drink and said, "I'm one bad mouse. Why when I want cheese I go find a trap and sit on the spring while I eat. I am one bad mouse."
The second mouse knocked back his drink and said, "I'm one bad mouse. Why I chop up D-Con with a razor blade and sniff it up my nose, just for the high it gives me. I am one bad mouse."
The third mouse knocked back his drink, got off his bar stool and headed for the door.
The first two mice asked, "Hey, where you going?"
The third mouse said, "Home, to screw the cat!"
I CAN'T BEAR IT
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some RELIGION!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you Lord, for the food I'm about to receive...."
A butcher was very busy working. He noticed a dog in his shop and shooed him away. Later, he noticed the dog was back again. He walked over to the dog, and saw he had a note in his mouth. The butcher took the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looked, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. The butcher took the money, put the sausages and lamb in a bag, and placed it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decided to close up shop and follow the dog. Off they went. The dog walked down the street and came to a crossing. The dog put down the bag, jumped up and pressed the crossing button. He patiently waited, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When they did, he walked across the road; the butcher followed. The dog then came to a bus stop, and began looking at the timetable. The butcher was in awe at this stage. The dog checked out the times, and sat on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
When a bus came, the dog walked to the front of the bus, looked at the number, and went back to his seat. Another bus came. Again the dog looked at the number, saw it was the right bus, and boarded. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, followed him onto the bus.
The bus traveled thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog got up, moved to the front of the bus, stood on his hind legs, and pushed the button to stop the bus. The dog got off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher followed. They walked down the road, and the dog approached a house.
He walked up the path, and dropped the groceries on the step. He then walked back down the path, took a big run, and threw himself -whap!- against the door. He went back down the path, took another run, and threw himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog went back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walked along the perimeter of the garden. He got to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walked back, jumped off the wall, and waited at the door.
The butcher watched as a big guy opened the door, and started scolding the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher ran up and stopped the guy, "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius! He could be on TV; he's unbelievably clever!"
The owner responded, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"